It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize