is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
