your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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