idk, it's all black and i hear low talking...
dude, i think you're in initiation!
shit. that's not good.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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