i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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