She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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