I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
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