I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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