New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
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