At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
