Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I have feelings that need drinking.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
