Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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