I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
