I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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