No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Randomize
