Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Randomize
