you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
