Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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