Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Randomize
