I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
