This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
that is very illegal...i love you.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
