Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
