just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
