I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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