I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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