M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize
