I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
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