the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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