Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
My feet surprised me
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