Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Dear god my vagina.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
