if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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