I accidentally had phone sex last night
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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