I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize
