i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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