i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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