i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
