I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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