I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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