I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
