Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Randomize