I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Randomize
