I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Well I just put wine in my tea
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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