I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize