The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
