the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
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