Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
I love having hate sex.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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