You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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