I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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