You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
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