Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
