Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
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