Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Randomize
