god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
