I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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