You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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