Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
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