I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
