Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Randomize
